Toronto homeowners outraged at $50 property tax increase encouraged to skip avocado toast, make coffee at home

TORONTO – Despite the initial rage thrown towards Toronto Mayor Olivia Chow’s new property tax hike that will see homeowners pay about an extra $50 per month for every million dollars that their property is worth, those affected have quickly calmed down by realising they could afford the change by simply making coffee at home and not indulging in small joys.

“You know, when I saw that I would be paying 0.74% instead of 0.67% of taxes on the million dollar home that has tripled in value since when I first bought it, I was ready to fight the Mayor myself,” explained 55-year-old Toronto resident Lewis Milducci. “But then my 31-year-old daughter who lives with four roommates while working as a lawyer explained to me that I could save money by packing a lunch for work every day. She even helped me realise I could save even more cash while avoiding the evil carbon tax by simply taking the bus to work as well!”

Toronto homeowners who believe they’ll be left bankrupt by the extra $50 a month they’ll have to pay on their million dollar properties have been encouraged to not only make coffee at home, but also stop buying avocado toast, cancel their Netflix subscription, refrain from owning pets, sell their smartphones, and skip meals as ways of saving money.

If none of that is enough, then many of them may have to consider selling one of the several other properties they own as a way of making ends meet. Especially since wealthy investors owning multiple properties is among the leading contributors to Toronto’s soaring cost of living, second behind only Galen Weston’s desire to treat the Canadian dollar like Pokemon and collect ’em all.

“A 10.5% tax hike on home ownership is going to make this expensive city even more unaffordable,” claims multiple-homeowner Nicolas Vincents. “And don’t you dare point out that most Toronto rental properties have already gone up in price over 50% in the past decade alone, with the average one-bedroom apartment now costing over $2,600 a month, while homeownership taxes have remained stagnant despite property values skyrocketing! We both know that poor people don’t factor into discussions on the economy!”

Those who are unable to make the lifestyle changes necessary to afford the modest tax raise on home ownership have also been encouraged to make a bold statement by listing one or more of their Toronto-area homes at a significantly below market price. If enough Toronto homeowners sell their home for devastatingly low prices, it will plummet the value of housing in the city, and thus offset rise in property tax.

It’s either that or homeowners could just pull up their bootstraps and start working harder for once.

Beaverton