TEMPE, AZ—Taking a moment to acknowledge their fallen comrade, a group of Arizona State University students announced Friday that the drunk guy who just tumbled off the balcony would have wanted the rest of his friends to keep partying. “If Caleb could be here now, he would definitely tell us to carry on with the good times,” 22-year-old Josh Fuller said of his potentially dead roommate, who moments before was visibly inebriated as he toppled backward off a second-floor balcony onto the street below, leaving behind a pretty full keg and 10 bottles of Captain Morgan. “Wherever he is now—probably down on that asphalt, bleeding out—Caleb would be calling us fucking pussies for even considering stopping the party to call 911. Rather than be sad, I think the best thing we can do is check and see if the Jell-O shots have set, in his memory. We would dishonor his legacy if we treated his broken neck as an emergency instead of an opportunity to get sympathy from hot girls. In fact, I bet that terrified cry he let out on his way down was his way of telling us to turn up the music and grind on some hos.” At press time, the group of friends had reportedly agreed that Caleb would have been the first one to suggest they use his closet as a toilet.
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