With the Iowa Caucus upon us, you may find yourself wondering – what on earth is a caucus? The Babylon Bee has broken it down with a step-by-step guide of what goes down on Caucus day:
- The caucus begins with an opening ceremony, followed by the famous “Running of the Heifers”: Like Spain’s version, only in slow motion.
- Voters cast ballots by tossing an ear of corn into a candidate’s bucket: Cows and other livestock also receive half an ear of corn, which they may use for eating or voting.
- Voters may then steal votes from rival candidates’ buckets by challenging their supporters to a tractor pull: Just as the Founders envisioned.
- At noon, the candidates arrive to wrestle the state’s biggest 4H hog for the chance at bonus votes: The hog is on a long winning streak, with his last loss surprisingly being to Jeb!
- In the afternoon, supporters race to carve a butter sculpture of their candidate: No votes are at stake, but it’s pretty impressive what these people can do with butter.
- Dancing begins when polls close, with every male getting a chance to square dance with the lady candidate: Get in line, fellas.
- Everyone gets to play baseball with ghosts while the votes are tallied: Perfect way to kill time.
- Candidates must navigate a corn maze to the stage where the final tally will be revealed: Word has it that John Kasich is still somewhere out in the maze.
- Trump is then declared the winner by 30 points: Tradition is tradition!
We hope this helps explain the complex political process known as “caucusing.” Get excited, Iowa!
As the country slowly increases in racism and right-wing bigotry, it’s important to ensure you don’t get caught up in their evil MAGA ways.
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