51-Year-Old In A Punk Band Horrified As He Suddenly Realizes He’s A 51-Year-Old In A Punk Band

OAKLAND, CA — Tragedy befell a 51-year-old frontman of a local punk rock band this week after he came to the sudden realization that he is a 51-year-old frontman of a locally based punk rock band.

The man was horrified by the knowledge that he was now, in fact, one of the old squares he wrote and sang his songs about back during the Reagan administration when his band was first formed.

“Wait a second…oh my gosh…look at me!” the man was heard exclaiming when he happened to catch a glimpse of himself in a mirror. “I’m a grown man! What in the world am I wearing? Why on earth is my hair done like this? Is that eyeliner?! What are these on my feet? Are these…Converse?! Help! Someone, help!”

A crowd soon rushed to the suffering man’s side to offer assistance as he curled into a fetal position and sobbed. “That’s why everyone keeps laughing at me at Whole Foods!” he shouted, disgusted with himself. “I kept telling myself they were laughing at me ironically, but they just think I’m a total jackass! And look at me — they’re right! Dear God, help me, they’re right!”

The man’s friends and family were eventually able to help him get himself together enough to check himself into a local country club for treatment.

At publishing time, the man had started a whole new life after getting a decent haircut, buying a pair of New Balances and a nice polo shirt, and finding himself a sensible job at H&R Block.

As the country slowly increases in racism and right-wing bigotry, it’s important to ensure you don’t get caught up in their evil MAGA ways.

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Babylon Bee