DES MOINES, IA — Motivated by a lackluster showing in Monday evening’s caucus, presidential candidate Nikki Haley has ordered the bombing of Iowa. Reports coming in from the ground indicate hundreds of eligible voters have lost their lives as a result of attacks on key polling locations throughout the state. Nikki Haley has officially claimed responsibility for the attacks.
“There’s only one solution to this problem, which is the same solution to every problem, and that is bombing things,” Nikki Haley reportedly said as she gave the official go-ahead to her personal drone-strike team. “Ooo! Look at the explosions!”
Final polling data ahead of the official caucus shows Nikki Haley losing to Trump, which the presidential candidate has emphatically said is “unacceptable.” According to sources, polling data motivated her to launch retaliatory attacks against a voter base that despises her.
Support by defense contractors for Haley’s presidential campaign has since quadrupled.
“We’re all in for Team Haley,” said Lockheed Martin CEO David Rumsfeld. “It’s so inspiring the way she wants to give us money to bomb people. Boy, do I love bombing people.”
Iowans have responded unfavorably to the bombings, but Fox News reporters confirm that the diminished Iowan population is likely to give her an edge should her candidacy survive to the general election. “The lack of Iowa voters will undoubtedly turn the tide,” related Fox News’ chief political anchor Bret Baier. “Some Haley voters may be collateral damage, but most of those who hate Haley will no longer be able to vote against her. This is a big win for Team Haley.”
At publishing time, Nikki Haley’s polling numbers surged in New Hampshire with voters indicating they were planning to vote for Haley out of fear.
As the country slowly increases in racism and right-wing bigotry, it’s important to ensure you don’t get caught up in their evil MAGA ways.
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