MIAMI—Addressing the swirling rumors about her love interest being closely associated with her ex-husband Scottie Pippen’s former NBA teammate, reality television personality Larsa Pippen released a statement Monday confirming that she’s dating Michael Jordan’s gym bag. “It’s true—I am currently in a serious, committed relationship with the gym bag of Michael Jordan, and I couldn’t be happier,” said the 49-year-old, who is nearly 16 years older than the Nike duffel and maintains she never once interacted with it while she was still married to Scottie Pippen, despite insiders providing photographic proof of the contrary. “Everyone needs to stop making such a big deal about this. It’s not like I’m dating one of Scottie’s current friend’s gym bags. We met long after the divorce through a mutual acquaintance separate from the Bulls, and the rest is history. It’s not weird at all. We share all the same interests, like basketball and holding things, and we couldn’t be more in sync on an intellectual level. Michael isn’t too happy about it, saying he needs the bag for his shoes and stuff, but we can’t deny our once-in-a-lifetime connection just to please others.” At press time, Larsa Pippen hinted that the gym bag was going to propose, saying she had found a ring box hidden inside it.
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