BOSTON—Praising the 43-year-old’s lengthy record of misconduct and exploitation, local nursing home Sunrise Living reportedly hired manager Carl Strasberg Monday after discovering he had two decades of elder abuse experience. “Once we saw how Mr. Strasberg’s sheer negligence helped increase accidental death rates among residents at his last employer, we offered him the job on the spot,” said Sunrise spokesperson Tess Sullivan, indicating that among a field of qualified candidates, Strasberg had distinguished himself with countless complaints from families about filthy rooms, disease outbreaks, and injuries to their elderly parents. “Right away, he improved profit margins with this idea about stealing some of the senile residents’ stuff and then telling them they lost it. I also don’t know how we overlooked the strategy of physically threatening them if they ever get out of line. It’s exactly that kind of thinking that makes me believe he’ll be a perfect fit here at Sunrise.” At press time, representatives from the nursing home had reportedly promoted Strasberg after hearing his plan to charge struggling families $1,000 more every year.
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