Jesus' Coming Back

Ron DeSantis Going Door To Door To Beg Own Campaign Staff To Vote For Him

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DES MOINES, IA—In a last-ditch effort to increase turnout for the crucial first-in-the-nation presidential contest, candidate Ron DeSantis reportedly went door-to-door Monday to beg his own campaign staff to vote for him. “Hey there, ma’am, sorry to bother you, but could I take just a bit of your time to talk about why you should head out to the caucus and support DeSantis?” said the Florida governor, who reportedly wedged his foot in the open door of his satellite campaign office to tell one of his visibly skeptical volunteer coordinators that he actually had a lot to offer on agricultural, pro-life, immigration, and pocketbook issues. “Please, I’m not trying to sell you anything. I swear. I know you’re probably already a lock for Trump. I get it. All I’m asking is a minute to win you over. I can’t do it without workers like you, Beth. So what do you say? It’s getting pretty cold out here.” At press time, DeSantis had reportedly had the door slammed in his face after the staff member claimed she had never heard of Ron DeSantis and would probably vote for Nikki Haley.

The Onion

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