DES MOINES, IA—After she was awakened by a number of strange sounds emanating from the house, local parents Peter and Margaret Lohan reportedly assured their frightened 7-year-old on Tuesday that the creaking noises from her bedroom walls were probably just signs the house was getting hungry. “Don’t worry, honey—those are perfectly normal sounds that houses make when they haven’t eaten in a while and have a deep, powerful craving, usually for human flesh,” said Peter Lohan, who as the gurgling and groaning noises grew louder told his daughter Emily to try to ignore the sounds of the heating vents screaming “Feed me, feed me” and go back to bed. “Older houses like this need to be appeased with a blood sacrifice every couple days or the whole structure starts to get cranky. But don’t worry, I keep a bunch of skinned raccoons in the cellar for exactly this reason. Once it feasts, it’ll calm right down. This just comes with the territory when you live in a house where many generations have lived and died, leaving their tortured spirits behind to haunt the rooms for all eternity.” At press time, sources confirmed a face had emerged from the bedroom wall to thank the Lohans for the scrumptious meal.
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