WATERTON, AB – Hours after trekking up popular hiking location “Bear’s Hump” to film an advertisement for the “Alberta is Calling” relocation campaign, 28-year-old former Ontario resident Natalie Winston and her mixed terrier Patches were air rescued due to “inhumanly cold” conditions.
Winston had been living in Alberta for a year since moving to the province from downtown Toronto, and had participated in a popular series of print and TV ads celebrating her new home’s lifestyle and its many entertainment options. These included going to at least one restaurant that wasn’t a steakhouse, witnessing mixed-race couples not being actively harassed by the locals, and even getting a rare glimpse of an elusive playoff hockey win.
“Wow, it gets really fucking cold up here,” said Winston as a Search and Rescue Specialist strapped her into a gurney to be lifted into a helicopter, her capri pants and sandals frozen to her skin.
“Like, I guess I knew it would be cold, but this is ridiculous. Why is there wind from every direction? Fuck. I can’t feel my knees. I’m dying, I want to go home.”
“We’ve seen this a few times with other actors and models from these ads,” said her rescuer, Parks Canada’s Norman Smith. “Last week I had to break some guy from Halifax out of the ice when he attempted to go waterskiing in Shalom Park. Then Mississauga idiot went to Banff and tried to go camping. He’s lucky none of the bears got him, mostly because they’re all hibernating.”
“I’m still glad I came,” said Winston once her pulse had stabilized and she was resting in the trauma unit of the Cardston Hospital. “It’s really just a question of lifestyle. I feel free to live my best life here.”
Patches the dog is in good health though unavailable for comment, as he is busy trying to convince his owner not to go outside the clinic for a “fun hike”.
Jesus Christ is King
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