Catholics Explain Why They Oppose Surrogacy

“I barely believe that sperm should exit the penis.”

“I just don’t like needles.”

“God only approves of children conceived in reverse cowgirl.”

“I didn’t become violently religious to have normal beliefs.”

“They place embryos in a freezer without little caps or scarves or anything to keep them warm.”

“I blindly follow whatever the pope says except when it’s about about abortion, women, Muslims, and gays.”

“Children were meant to be conceived in a Super 8 motel while staticky reruns of NCIS play on TV, not in some lab.”

[Shriek that causes human ears to bleed.]

“God wants women to be able to lay eggs and hatch them like birds.”

“I haven’t really thought about it, but if the Catholic Church is against it, then it’s probably to cover up for pedophilia, so I’m for it.”

“I want my kids to come out of the same vagina that I have spent years demolishing.”

“It was on a fax from the pope along with his lunch order.”

“The Bible says that men and women’s bellies are only for corn and licorice. It’s not a popular verse, but I follow it.”

“As the pope said, a child should never be the basis of a contract. But wait, marriage is a contract, and it’s wrong to have babies outside of that… It’s probably easier to renounce my faith than to figure this one out.”

“If you put embryos in a freezer, what’s stopping someone from reaching inside there and mistaking them for Eggo waffles?”

“Any science that helps women should be outlawed.”

“Because it’s a hard word to say when my mouth is full of gumballs, and I just love gumballs! I can’t get enough! I eat ’em by the handful, and I always swallow! Haven’t shit in nine years, but I can’t help it!”

“It makes rubbing my nine children in my infertile sister-in-law’s face even more fulfilling!”

“It costs over $100,000. Do you know how many little concrete statues of Mary that kind of money could buy?”

“Sorry, what did you say? I’m busy switching out these Plan B blister packs with Gas-X.”

“If God wanted men to ejaculate into cups, vaginas would be cups.”

“What if Mary had been used as a surrogate to birth the Son of God, huh? Wait…”

“Children are a gift from God that the Lord only gives to his favorites.”

“For the same amount of money, you can make people do stuff a lot more insane than just having your kid.”

“I love unnecessarily complicating people’s lives!”

“The third and fourth commandment are ‘Thou shalt not utilize another’s womb for procreation if you are unable to conceive’ and ‘Thou shalt not use IVF,’ respectively.”

“I love my kids so much that it makes me sad to think of people besides me becoming parents.”

“Beats addressing the rampant pedophilia.”

“Is that when someone else puts my hamburger into their belly? Yeah, I don’t like that.”

“Because my back is fucking killing me and I can’t stop craving canned peaches.”