Strung-Out Kindergartner Needs More Intense YouTube Videos Of Latvian Women Playing With Barbies Just To Feel Anything

COLUMBUS, OH—Stressing that she felt almost entirely numb as she entered her fourth hour of viewership, local kindergartner Amelia Sanders told reporters Wednesday that she needed increasingly intense YouTube videos of a Latvian woman playing with Barbies just to feel anything. “God, all it used to take was some random lady with an Eastern European accent unboxing a Barbie, and I’d be high as a kite,” Sanders said as she hunched over her iPad and navigated to a video with nearly 3 million views in which a middle-aged Russian woman loudly announced “Come play with me!” in a room filled with Bratz dolls—but within a few seconds, the visibly debilitated 5-year-old realized the contents were too tame for her hardened sensibilities. “Now it has to be three or four Princess Tiana talking Barbies at the beach. And the woman has to describe all the fun adventures they have together for 40 or 50 minutes. Plus, there’s got to be glittery slime. Lots of glittery slime. God, what am I becoming?” Sanders admitted that in her worst hours she had even dabbled in some of the weirder videos in which a poorly animated Elsa meets the Minions and all of the characters feature the same Hungarian-accent adult voice.