Italian Immigrants Shopping In U.S. Grocery Stores Announce These Tomatoes No Good

NEW YORK—Having scoffed in astonishment as they picked up the produce and examined it, Italian immigrants shopping in U.S. grocery stores issued a statement Thursday claiming these tomatoes, they no good. “A tomato supposed to be red—what this supposed to be?” said Gianfranco Padovani, who arrived in the United States this month and spoke on behalf of all Italian immigrants who were still accustomed to fresh San Marzano tomatoes harvested at the peak of ripeness and not yet familiar with the pale, bland American variety bred solely to increase its shelf life. “I eat this, I die by poison. This the trash section, no? You can take me to real grocery store in your car? My nonna, if I show her this tomato, she fall over dead. I send my mother picture, it make her weep.” At press time, the Italian immigrants were overheard asking what you supposed to do with mozzarella that look like this.