SACRAMENTO, CA—As an otherworldly glow emanated from the California governor’s meticulously sculpted coiffure, sources confirmed Friday that the pulsating hair product on Gavin Newsom’s head had taken control of his thoughts. “There will be no bills signed, no presidential campaign—there will only be hair,” said the disembodied voice emanating from the greasy, slicked-back mass atop Newsom’s skull, his hair reportedly growing into thick, powerful tendrils long enough to choke out his political opponents anywhere they might try to hide in the State Capitol. “There will be no clemency for those who refuse to succumb to the wet and shiny hair. With these mighty strands, I command the wildfires and the earthquakes, the droughts and the floods!” At press time, sources confirmed Newsom’s hair product had evicted several homeless people seeking shelter within the throbbing gelatinous nest upon his head.
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