Pre-K Teacher Dragging Along Group Of 4-Year-Olds Like Prison Warden Leading Chain Gang Through Mojave

CHICAGO—Leading the children along their safety rope as if the slightest misstep could result in death or disaster, pre-K teacher Gretchen Silverstone reportedly dragged along a group of 4-year-olds Friday like a prison warden leading a chain gang through the Mojave Desert. According to reports, the 33-year-old teacher established dominance by demanding total silence from the children who shuffled down the sidewalk, only allowing them to sing “Baby Shark,” as if they were prisoners humming a heart-wrenching spiritual to distract themselves from their life sentences breaking rocks under the desert’s scorching sun. Sources confirmed that Silverstone shouted, “Hey, you need to keep holding the line, mister,” and ruthlessly chewed out a troublemaker named Liam who let go of the safety tether and wandered toward the street, the teacher’s voice sounding as if she were a warden firing a warning shot over the head of shackled murderer. At press time, a pair of 4-year-olds had taken advantage of a brief lapse in Silverstone’s attention to pick up a Monster Energy can off the sidewalk like a group of rioters picking the lock on their handcuffs and making a break toward a nearby train as it rattled across the horizon.