Woman Wears Enchanted Ring Out To Avoid Having To Tell Men That She Actually 750-Year-Old Crone

WASHINGTON—Frustrated by the lengths to which she had to go to enjoy a night out with friends, local woman Signa Ivarsen confirmed Friday she always wore an enchanted ring when she went to bars in order to avoid revealing to men she was actually a 750-year-old crone. “All I have to do is slip this onto my left hand, and poof, I look like any other married thirtysomething,” said Ivarsen, who shuddered as she recalled the time she had accidentally left the house without it and spent the whole night warding off men who pestered her with questions about why her gray skin was crumbling into ash. “I don’t need anyone to buy me a drink. I’ve walked this earth nearly a millennium and can afford my own elixirs. It’s sad that you can’t simply say, ‘No thanks, I’m not interested in disclosing the secret to immortality tonight,’ but some men just can’t take no for an answer, I guess.” Ivarsen went on to reveal she had purchased the ring on Amazon for $15.