TALLAHASSEE, FL — Governor Ron DeSantis has officially suspended his Presidential campaign, deciding to wait until he is 75 years old and senile before attempting to become leader of the free world.
“My time has not yet come,” said DeSantis as he ably walked up a flight of stairs carrying a dozen pizzas. “I still have complete control of my mental and physical faculties.”
DeSantis launched his campaign with high hopes, only to see his poll numbers slide as voters began to realize he was not old and decrepit. “Everything he says makes sense, and I don’t like it,” said local man Gene Cummings. “I haven’t heard him confuse his mom and his wife a single time, and he can walk on flat surfaces effortlessly. He’s just not Presidential material.”
After several difficult conversations within the campaign, DeSantis came to terms with his own health and youthful vitality. “I feel like I’m in peak condition, which is tough to acknowledge,” said DeSantis. “I need to wait for osteoporosis and dementia to take hold before I’m ready to take the reins of this great country. This is not good-bye — only see you later, in about thirty years.”
At publishing time, a mourning DeSantis had been spotted eating pudding by the handful to drown his sorrows.
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