ROSEBURG, OR—Saying he felt like he was quacking for nothing, a local duck reportedly told his family Monday that he couldn’t believe he quacked his ass off all day to come home to this shit. “Seriously, this is the thanks I get? Do you have any idea how much I quack?” said Ernest Mallard, who sharply criticized his mate and their clutch of a dozen hatchlings, claiming that when he returned to the nest after a long day of quacking they never showed any appreciation. “You must think it’s easy to go to the park every morning and quack at the fish in the pond, quack at the people walking their dogs, quack at the trees, quack at the other ducks. I quack and quack and quack until I think I can’t possibly quack anymore, and then guess what? Guess what I do? I keep quacking. And if you’re going to be this ungrateful, I might as well spend my evenings flying around with my buddies and shitting on pedestrians.” At press time, Mallard apologized for his outburst, saying it was stressful to quack hard all day and come home to so many bills.
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