Judge Orders Columbus Statue Removed And Melted Down Into Pinkie Rings For Local Italians

PITTSBURGH—Ending a years-long dispute over the 13-foot, 800-pound bronze monument in the city’s historic Schenley Park, a judge ordered Monday that Pittsburgh’s Christopher Columbus statue be removed and melted down to make pinkie rings for members of the local Italian population. “While the city has a right to dismantle a memorial to a man who enslaved and murdered indigenous people, there’s no reason it can’t make amends to the Italian American community by using the metal from the statue to make a nice piece of finger jewelry,” said Judge Randall Telles of the Commonwealth Court of Pennsylvania, who banged his gavel as cheers rung out from Native Americans, civil rights activists, and members of the Calabria Club alike. “This is the only fair way to acknowledge the complex and violent legacy this explorer left behind while still respecting the culture of our Italian brothers, for whom thousands of these classy bronze accessories will immediately be manufactured. Rather than one large monument to a problematic historical figure, let tight little rings on meaty pinkies everywhere serve as a tribute to the beautiful culture of Italian immigrants.” At press time, the lawn chairs outside a local institution known as Santini Brothers Deli had been added to the National Register of Historic Places.