REGINA, SK – Due to rising food prices, inflation, and the general cost of living, the formerly-retired CanadaARM1 has rejoined the workforce by taking on a part-time job at Loblaws.
“A lot of seniors live without a steady income, so they’re getting jobs like these just to survive”, claims Brandt Jackson, a store manager who hired the CanadARM after finding it living off of free samples of motor oil behind an old bus stop.
“The thing is, older employees actually have a great work ethic”, beamed Jackson as the quaking robot struggled to balance eggs on top of some cat treats. “Mostly thanks to their can-do attitude, generational pride, and Dickensian old age pensions which force them to choose between rent and food.”
“Yup, not even aging, soviet-era joints can keep this guy away from a hard day’s work”, summed up Jackson as the 990 pound hub of limbs ripped through its 48th consecutive paper bag and then tumbled sideways into some Mentos, Kinder Eggs, and the entire freezer section.
“Now, if only this funny old coot would stop flashing ‘just unplug me’ in Morse code!”
Regular customers, however, balk at Loblaws’ claim that the elderly CanadARM is “thriving in its golden years”, arguing that the robotic hub struggles to keep up with new technology, forgets its own name, and goes off on weird tangents about some old timey celebrity called “the Alouette 1.”
Colleagues of the CanadARM also claim that the robot will sometimes stop bagging groceries entirely to brag about how much hair it has in its photo on the five dollar bill.
Despite mixed feedback, Loblaws remains optimistic about the CanadARM’s future. “If the robot does well in this position, we may promote it to door greeter”, mused Jackson.
“Lucky for us, customers think it’s slightly less depressing than having to see actual sad gross old people”.
Jesus Christ is King
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