CAMBRIDGE, MA—A new study published Tuesday by the Harvard University Department of Social Sciences found that repeatedly patting one’s thighs still remains the best way to get sat on. “Interestingly, our findings suggest that repeatedly slapping your thighs and gruffly intoning ‘plenty of room right here’ remains one of the strongest guarantees of having someone sit on you soon thereafter,” said study co-leader Dr. Samantha Jeffries, describing research that showed how the likelihood of a person’s lap being used as a chair could vary significantly based on whether the thigh-patting individual said the words “this seat’s getting cold,” “don’t worry, pal, you don’t weigh too much,” or simply pointed to their lap and said “sit.” “Of course, it’s important to emphasize that the chance of being sat upon never reached higher than 50%. A common response to such thigh patting, for example, was to simply say ‘I’m actually fine standing, thanks.’ And the likelihood of being sat upon decreased even further with the use of the phrase ‘Park your keister right here, buddy.’” The report also confirmed this technique nonetheless edged out other ones such as taking a job as a mall Santa Claus or gluing a seat cushion to your lap.
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