CDC Addresses Plummeting Birth Rate With New Campaign Reminding Americans What Genitals Do

ATLANTA—In a partnership with the Ad Council to educate the nation about the strange fleshy organs beneath their pants, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention addressed the plummeting birth rate by launching a new campaign Wednesday that reminded Americans what genitals do. “Hard or flushed, wet or scary—we want to make sure Americans know that genitals aren’t just for urination,” said CDC director Mandy Cohen, who unveiled an ad that would be promoted on thousands of billboards across the country and featured a photograph of a penis alongside the text “For doing sex.” “Touch ’em, rub ’em, mash ’em together. There’s nothing our genitals can’t do. Sometimes they stink, but let’s not get too hung up on that. They feel good, and they can make children, so let’s get reproducing, America!” At press time, the CDC had temporarily halted the ad campaign for factual review.