OTTAWA – The Canadian Revenue Agency is reportedly in a state of total meltdown after receiving a complete tax report in the first few weeks of the new year.
“I have no idea how the fuck this happened!” said CRA commissioner Bob Hamilton, gunning down the highway from his extended holiday vacation after getting word of the unexpected report and telling his staff to do the same.
“Where does this guy even work that he already has a T4? Damn it, Marjorie in finance is going to be so pissed if we don’t get this done in time!”
The CRA’s office staff, which consists mostly of the bare minimum skeleton crew needed to keep the off-season lights on, have reportedly put their annual January air hockey tournament on hold, and started working. Cate Lian, a CRA senior auditor who may have forgotten how to do most of her job over Christmas, confirms suspicions that the agency has never had to process a return this soon after the holidays.
“We have never been in this spot before. We don’t even have any full time staff until April. Bob (Hamilton) moonlights at Foot Locker half the time.” Lian told the press after frantically downloading a free trial of TurboTax onto her computer.
The Agency is pulling out all the stops to process the return, including dusting off an old copy of the tax code, calling their parents for help with the trickier sections, and asking the janitor if he knows where they can find box 81b.
Deputy Commissioner Glen Hyde is reportedly stressed out in his office with taxation law cheat sheets all over his desk.
“Let’s see, how much did we decide EI contributions for this income bracket were again? Ah, I’ll just make up a number. It’s not like he’ll ever audit us. Wait, can he even claim that many dependents? Arg, the government should just know how much this guy owes. Which we do, but still!”
The CRA also reports being vexed by the amount of extra steps the owner has actually done right, like attaching all the receipts from his charitable donations and maxing out his RRSP contributions. At the current rate, the agency may take days before getting to the final part of reviewing the tax return; fudging the numbers so that the individual doesn’t get a return, and even owes a little.
At press time, Lyle Elwood of Brandon Manitoba, who filed the tax return, was relieved to find out he still had several months to file his return and that his digital calendar was just malfunctioning.
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