With the Republican presidential primary looking all but wrapped up, attention now turns to who Donald Trump will choose as his vice-presidential running mate. The Babylon Bee writers, expert investigative journalists that we are, have managed to obtain Trump’s official short list of potential VP picks:
- A Stanley tumbler: Get ready for unprecedented support from suburban white women.
- Pop-Tart Guy: The breakfast pastry that captivated the nation could be the ultimate unifying choice.
- Nikki Haley’s husband: Just to really mess with her.
- Argentinian President Javier Milei: Just think of the hair!
- The lucky fan who buys the 1 millionth Trump NFT: Congrats, Martha from Ohio!
- Macaulay Culkin: The Home Alone 2 reunion America needs.
- Taylor Swift: Expect multiple cutaways to show her in the audience during every Trump speech.
- Voldemort: Oh no, the media was right — Trump IS pure evil!
- Hillary Clinton: Just so he can make her come to every Oval Office meeting and then say, “Sorry, Hillary, you’re not in this one.” Delicious!
- Jesus: Sure to lock down the Christian vote.
- Alec Baldwin: Every presidential candidate should have a running mate ready to use deadly force to protect him.
- Catturd2: The very best social media has to offer. We, too, cannot believe this is real life.
- Himself: After looking far and wide, Trump could find no one more qualified than Trump.
Gosh, we can’t believe Mike Pence got left off. Keep an eye out, America – the next Vice President of the United States is somewhere on the list above!
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