PARKVILLE, MO—The patient having passed his annual checkup with flying colors, a visit to the doctor Wednesday confirmed that everything in local man Frank Jarvis’ body was falling apart exactly on schedule. “For a person of your age, height, and weight, your physical form is dying at exactly the rate it should be,” said Jarvis’ doctor, adding that it was perfectly natural for a 40-year-old male’s bones, heart, and brain to be as damaged and deteriorated as his were. “Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it, because frankly, you’re a lot less corpse-like than other disgusting, frail shells of men I’ve seen that are your age. All those arthritis pains, clogged arteries, and ministrokes you’ve experienced are perfectly natural. In fact, it would be weirder if you were even the slightest bit healthy.” At press time, the alarmed doctor had reportedly ordered a series of emergency tests after Jarvis told him he was feeling alive and well.
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