DETROIT—Saying they hoped to bring people together “through the power of summary executions,” Detroit city officials implemented a plan Thursday to rebuild a sense of community by holding public hangings. “As part of our efforts to revitalize the city’s cultural offerings and strengthen our bonds as Detroiters, we are pleased to announce a new series of hangings that will be free and open to the public,” said Mayor Mike Duggan, explaining that the 30-foot gallows recently erected in the city’s downtown entertainment district would act as a third place outside of home and work where social interactions and connections could flourish. “As we grapple with an epidemic of loneliness, these extrajudicial killings will allow us to laugh together, throw rocks together, and ultimately murder anyone a mob of our neighbors has deemed suspicious or undesirable. Detroit is officially back!” At press time, reports confirmed the public hangings had successfully caused feelings of isolation to plummet throughout the city among everyone who was still breathing.
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