WASHINGTON—Saying the country’s entire adult population would automatically be entered for a chance to win, officials at the U.S. Census Bureau announced Thursday that one lucky American would get to be 16 years old again. “Starting tomorrow, one U.S. resident will be given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to exit adulthood and start life anew from their teenage years,” said Census Bureau chief Robert Santos, adding that the unsuspecting winner, who would be notified shortly, would be allowed to spend their days engaged in carefree adolescent activities like playing video games, listening to cool bands, and hanging out at the mall. “The winner, regardless of what year they were born, will no longer be required to have a job, pay bills, or take care of their spouse or child. All they’ll have to worry about is finding a date to prom, making the varsity team, and figuring out where the party is tonight. After all, that’s what being 16 is all about!” At press time, the winner, a 57-year-old billionaire, told reporters that being in high school again wouldn’t change his life too much, because he already spent most of his time in the company of teenage girls.
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