Man Recoils In Disgust After Pizza He Woke Up To Looks Nothing Like What He Brought To Bed Last Night

SANTA CLARITA, CA—Immediately regretting every drunken decision that led him to this point, local man John Ewing recoiled in disgust Friday after the pizza he woke up to looked nothing like what he brought to bed last night. “Oh my God, what the hell did I do?” said Ewing, who admitted that while his memory was pretty fuzzy, the piping hot, gorgeous pepperoni pizza he laid down and ate under the covers at 2 a.m. looked nothing like the cold, pale lump that now lay splayed across his grease-stained sheets. “Jesus Christ, that thing is disgusting. Why did my friends ever let me leave and go home with a nasty pizza like that? Yesterday it looked like the most beautiful artisan pie in the world, and now it looks like I got it out of a dumpster. Ugh. This thing better not give me a disease.” At press time, Ewing shrugged and decided that while the pizza absolutely wasn’t his type, he was just hungry enough to close his eyes, pick it up, and imagine a freshly baked New York slice as he went in for an absolutely disgusting round two.