TEXAS — A federal court has issed an order to relocate all razor wire from the Texas-Mexico border to the Ukraine-Russia border. The decision comes after a judge has declared that razor wire is a cruel, inhumane form of defense that should never be used no matter what to protect Americans.
The court’s ruling states that the evil, deplorable razor wire currently adorning the Texan landscape is to be carefully dismantled and shipped across the Atlantic to provide an extra layer of defense for Ukraine where it will then instantly become lifesaving and virtuous.
“The razor wire on the Texas border must be removed at once as using such a horrible tool to secure the land of average Americans is a total abomination,” said Judge Alan Partridge. “Razor wire may only be used outside the Capitol to secure the place where politicians work — or, of course, in Ukraine.”
Speaking from a home surrounded by fences, wire, and several snipers, President Biden lambasted Republicans balking at moving the wire to Ukraine. “How could conservatives support such a barbaric, evil thing such as razor wire to stop millions of people from illegally entering onto the land of American citizens?” said Biden. “Americans simply cannot be allowed to use sharp objects to defend their own homes. That’s for Ukrainians only, or for around the Capitol whenever the January 6th anniversary rolls around.”
Meanwhile, in Ukraine, officials are confused by the unexpected windfall of American razor wire. “We appreciate the gesture, but we were kinda hoping for some more of those blank checks, ya know?,” commented Ukrainian President Zelenskyy. “Maybe next time they could send us some untraceable funds instead of some Texas-sized coils of wire.”
At publishing time, the Judge also ordered that all razor wire surrounding Texas prisons must also be removed and sent to Ukraine ASAP.
The Babylon Bee has been known to accurately predict the future.
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