15-Year-Old Doing Dry January

CONCORD, NC—Saying he needed to do something before his life fully spiraled out of control, local 15-year-old Noah Watkins confirmed Monday that he had decided to take a break from alcohol and do Dry January. “It was a tough decision, but ultimately, I need to give up drinking for a month if I want to even make it to my 21st birthday,” said Watkins, who added that he felt much better since he stopped raiding his parents alcohol cabinet, asking old men outside of liquor stores to buy him booze, and bringing vodka in a water bottle to school. “Already I have more energy, my skin is clearer, and I’m back to sleeping 13 hours a night. Plus, I’m saving a shitload of my allowance. Thank God I can still vape, though.” At press time, Watkins said that even though giving up drinking for the month of January was hard, he knew it was worth it in order to become a better father.