RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — Local Man Rick Haywood admitted to having children, not to experience the unparalleled bond between a parent and child as he shepherds his progeny through the perils of life, but to have someone he can crush without mercy in a match of Super Smash Bros.
“My wife hates Smash so I needed some kids to dominate,” Haywood told reporters at The Daily Bulletin working on a human interest story about parenting. “It’s hard to get four adults to sit down together to smash it out, but I can just make my kids play whenever I want, even if they don’t want to. Because I’m the adult.”
Haywood has confirmed that beating his kids at Smash is an absolute blast. “Sometimes my friends beat me, but not these kids. I’m unstoppable!”
According to sources, Haywood routinely demands his three children (aged 5, 7, and 8) play on a stage called Final Destination while using only the Fox character with no special items allowed. Five-year-old Molly often breaks down in tears because she can’t play as Peach.
“I’m the parent,” said Haywood. “This is for your own good.”
The newest entry in the series of games, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, features multiplayer for 2-8 players. Now Haywood is thinking four more kids should do the trick. His wife is reportedly less enthusiastic about the prospect.
At publishing time, the Haywood family confirmed they were expecting their fourth.
The Babylon Bee has been known to accurately predict the future.
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