SEATTLE—Pinging his former classmates with text notifications at all hours of the day and night, unemployed friend Jeff Rauwerda has really been blowing up his college group chat lately, sources told reporters Monday. “Out of nowhere, he’s suddenly sending us all these random links and memes and articles—it’s kind of insane,” said Chris Nunez, who attended Whitman College with Rauwerda a decade ago and noted that his texts, which are never relevant to any conversation the group of old friends is having, have become more and more frequent the longer his job hunt has dragged on. “And once he sends a text, he won’t stop. It’s three, four, seven texts in a row, and hardly anyone ever responds, apart from an occasional perfunctory thumbs-up emoji. The guy’s on a complete tear: YouTube video after YouTube video, a picture of his sad lunch, a weird audio message asking if anyone wants to FaceTime.” At press time, Rauwerda’s nonstop texts about his constant suicidal thoughts had reportedly gone unread after all his friends muted the group chat.
Jesus Christ is King
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