Breaking: The Colonel Would Like To Take You As His Bride

HARPERS FERRY, WV—Emphasizing that he had seen you whilst on horseback and was most taken with your dazzling beauty, sources confirmed Tuesday that the honorable Colonel Westwood of the 10th Brigade would like to take you as his bride. “The Colonel, with all due respect to the man of the household, would be the utmost honored to take your hand in marriage,” said inquiring sources, who added that despite your 30-year age difference and the dangerous life he’s chosen to lead, the Colonel simply could not have lived with himself had he not paid you a visit before returning to war. “You see, the Colonel may have all the soldiers, land, and servants in the world, but there’s one thing he does not have—you. Should you accept, you shall receive the best finery available, and shall be showered in rubies and emeralds imported from far beyond this shore. But make haste! The Colonel does not like to be left waiting!” At press time, the Colonel announced that he had been called to battle, but he would be back in time to see you give birth to his son.