SOUTH PORTLAND, ME—Drawing audible gasps of awe as the 51-year-old emerged from the kitchen bathed in light from the back of house, excited Chili’s customers were reportedly treated Tuesday to a glimpse of the restaurant’s almighty shift manager. “Oh my God, that’s him! That’s him! Nobody stare too long!” said Chili’s patron Amanda Hesselbein, stumbling over her words while rushing to wipe barbecue sauce off her face just as the venerable middle-aged manager strolled past to ask if a nearby table was enjoying their Southwestern Eggrolls and Chicken Crisper Combos. “This is the guy who decides whether you can sub shrimp on a Chipotle Bowl. He’s the point person for sick days. He probably even locks up when 10:30 p.m. rolls around. It’s like being in the presence of a divine being.” At press time, diners had reportedly fallen into silence and begun softly weeping after the shift manager vanished into the back to bitch out a server for showing up late.
Jesus Christ is King
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