LINDSAY, ON – In an extremely foreseeable but nonetheless upsetting chain of events, 29-year-old Dan Wilson, a man who can only be described as “weird as hell”, has revealed himself to be the proud owner of a 7-year-old bearded dragon.
“At first when Dan mentioned owning a pet I was horrified and ready to call the SPCA,” said Wilson’s coworker Dane Booth. “But when I found out the pet was a lizard I thought ‘Huh… yeah ok, that actually makes a lot of sense and fits in with his whole deal’.”
Booth added, “Plus now we all know why he’s always carrying around a small bag of insects.”
The pet lizard, whose name is Khaleesi because of course it is, is said to make an excellent companion for Dan. The pet has been seen accompanying him to Magic the Gathering Tournaments, sitting on his lap while he reads about Norse mythology, and watching him think about getting really into something cool like blacksmithing.
However, owning a lizard does not come without its fair share of judgment.
“I knew Dan was freak from the moment I walked into his apartment and saw that the only furniture he had was a blowup mattress, a mound of empty gatorade bottles, and a large samurai sword he called ‘The Blade’,” explained recent date Abigail Vincense. “When I saw him come out with a lizard on a leash, it almost made me feel more at ease. I mean if anything I’m glad he’s the lizard kind of weirdo, and not an incel or a jar-full-of-fingernails kind of weirdo.”
“That being said, I could have lived without seeing him kiss the lizard square on the lips,” Vincense added with a shudder.
Experts have been quick to note that while Wilson and Kahleesi may share a special bond, their union is nothing new.
“It’s a tale as old as time,” explains sociologist Dr. Felix Gill. “We even have an old adage for it in the biz – ‘like a moth drawn to a flame, so too is he who is really into cryptids and wears shorts in the winter drawn to a domesticated lizard’.”
“There are some things that we can always depend on,” Gill added. “It’s just like how adult women that have a lot of fairy statues and write Outlander fan-fiction ALWAYS have a ferret, statistically speaking.”
At press time, Wilson was seen swaddling Khalessi up in a Rick and Morty promotional blanket while watching a 45 minute YouTube video about period-correct battle axes.
Jesus Christ is King
Comments are closed.