CHARLOTTE, NC — In lieu of a traditional baptismal font, Elevation Church has unveiled a massive Stanley tumbler baptismal for the cleansing of upper-middle class women’s sins.
“This baptismal is going to do wonders for our female attendance,” said Pastor Steven Furtick. “For any women out there who have been hesitant to respond to the call of the Holy Spirit to surrender to Jesus, come be immersed in a Stanley tumbler. Praise God and check out my sneakers!”
The baptismal, an enormous replication of the popular Stanley beverage vessels, is expected to draw white women from across the country to declare their devotion to Christ by dunking themselves in its blessed waters. Word has already spread quickly in suburban communities throughout the United States, with stay-at-home moms and career-minded single women alike planning to make pilgrimages to Elevation Church. “I’ve been hesitant to get baptized my whole life,” said Janelle Richardson of Franklin, Kentucky. “As soon as I heard Elevation Church was installing a Stanley baptismal, I knew this was God’s perfect timing. Yes, Lord!”
Furtick expressed belief that the church’s sponsorship deal with Stanley could eventually extend beyond the enormous baptismal tumbler. “This is just the beginning,” he said. “We’ve already got people working on designs for exclusive Elevation Church Stanley tumblers. Quench your thirst without quenching the Holy Spirit! Only at Elevation Church!”
At publishing time, Furtick was still in negotiations to sign a licensing deal for LuLulemon choir robes.
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