Biden Gives Americans Nuclear Launch Codes In Case Anything Ever Happens To Him

WASHINGTON—In an address from the White House carried live on television, President Joe Biden gave the nation the nuclear launch codes Monday in case anything were ever to happen to him. “Folks, I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon, but the fact is, I’m not always going to be around, and you need to be prepared to oversee our long-range and tactical nuclear weapons on that day,” said the commander-in-chief, who added that he had been holding onto the highly classified sequence of letters and numbers until he thought the nation was ready to responsibly operate its arsenal of 5,244 warheads. “Just write the codes somewhere safe so you don’t lose them. Because, listen, if I have to go away, you’re the president, understand? All of you are. Okay, you ready? The code is 3X52-4980.” At press time, the American public had reportedly launched an intercontinental ballistic missile at East Timor.