WINNIPEG – A shorts-clad jogger has been spotted running in the River Heights neighbourhood, a sight that all metropolitan Canadians know heralds the true beginning of winter.
“He was so majestic, dashing through the puddles on the sidewalk, his leg hairs bristling in the breeze,” recounted resident Lisa Valentino, who watched the sprinter from her living room window with her family that morning. “The kids asked if they could bring him in to play, but we told them he’s an outdoor creature that likes it in the cold.”
Some Canadians are relieved to see the familiar sight, as the short-clad jogger has teetered on the edge of extinction. Jason Yin, an environmentalist who specializes in studying the patterns of animals that claim “the cold contracting their muscles makes for a better workout”, says that underdressed sprinters have seen their numbers dwindle in recent years.
Yin explains, “Generations ago, this region was filled with packs of guys running around in shorts, pushing people off the sidewalks. But due to rising global temperatures, the invention of the treadmill, and fatal shin splits, there are estimated to be only a handful left in the wild.”
“It might be time to make a conservation plan, like we did for the guys going ‘tarps off’ while playing outdoor shinny.”
Environment Canada would like to remind readers not to try to feed any short-clad joggers they might come across, as they have a specialized diet of trail mix and compliments about their calves.
Jesus Christ is King
Comments are closed.