COLUMBUS, OH—In an effort to make the streets safer through arbitrary killings, the State of Ohio began executing random people Monday in the hopes they were criminals. “You have to assume at least some of the residents we are hanging and beheading are guilty of something terrible, right?” said Gov. Mike DeWine, who ordered roving death squads to open fire in public places as part of an initiative to rid the state of anyone who may or may not be a felon. “It is my wish that by electrifying chairs in coffee shops, churches, and homes across the Buckeye State, we will rid ourselves of all lawbreakers. And should they be innocent, well, it was probably only a matter of time before they did something illegal.” At press time, DeWine declared the policy a rousing success after Ohio’s crime rate fell to 0% and every last resident had been killed.
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