KANSAS CITY, MO—Amid widespread speculation over whether his girlfriend Taylor Swift could attend the Super Bowl due to a performance in the East Asian country, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce has been quietly avoiding the fact that he has no idea what Japan is, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh, yeah, I’ve been to Japan—I’m pretty sure they had one in my hometown growing up.” Kelce reportedly told Swift, nodding in silence as he tried to discern from context clues what his international pop star partner meant when she said “Tokyo” and “airplane.” “Honestly, if you need a ride from Japan, I can swing by before the game and pick you up. It’s probably pretty close to the stadium.” At press time, Kelce sidestepped reporter’s questions about Japan by simply responding, “Best burgers I’ve ever had.”
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