Swifties Respond To Taylor Swift Conspiracy Theories

“I’ve listened to every album backward, and she only says ‘Emperor Joe Biden’ three or four times.”

“The idea that Taylor could choose the president, if anything, underestimates her power.”

“We wish. We don’t have the budget for Taylor Swift’s psyop booking fee.”

“The idea that she holds enough sway to influence millions of Americans to act irrationally is ridiculous, and I’ll kill anyone responsible for propagating such a lie.”

“Why would she bother picking the president when the armed forces have already secretly sworn fealty to her?”

“Taylor also controls which NFL players get brain injuries on the field.”

“It’s all so much and so stressful right now that I kind of feel bad for creating that deepfake porn of her.”

“I know she left instructions on how to respond to this somewhere in the Midnights liner notes. I just haven’t found them yet.”

“If Taylor actually wanted to pick the president, she’d just tweet out their name and we’d bribe, threaten, and kill until they were in office.”

“C’mon, she was literally dating a Nazi less than a year ago.”

“Tay is finally dating a nice guy who respects her. It’s obviously fake.”

“All of her love songs are actually about her burning desire for Joe Biden.”

“They’re probably still just upset that she didn’t marry Harry Styles.”

“The NFL is a pysop to promote the upcoming ‘Mrs. Kelce’ tour.”

“The more times her name is spoken aloud, the more powerful she becomes. They are the authors of their own demise.”

“This display of paranoid misogyny is sure to turn me against her.”

“I mean, who isn’t secretly gay?”