‘That Shit Adds Up Quickly,’ Nation’s Uncles Report

WASHINGTON—Lamenting the fact that they’ll be paying off those fuckers for the rest of their lives, the nation’s uncles reported, “That shit adds up quickly,” in an announcement Tuesday. “I’m telling you, these guys will go on and on about the deal of a lifetime, then boom, you’ll get your ass in a sling,” said local uncle Frank Wheelan, adding that if you’re not careful, those no good sons of bitches will nickel and dime you until the day you croak. “Now, I’m not saying you’re stupid or nothin’, but let me tell you, they can be slippery little bastards. You let your guard down once, and that’s it. They’ll fuck you six ways from Sunday.” At press time, the nation’s uncles added that they’d be on a beach in Florida right now sipping on a margarita if it weren’t for those sneaky little fucks.