Dunkin’ Unveils Sad New Half-Strip Of Turkey Bacon On Cracker

CANTON, MA—Boasting reasonable prices starting at $1.99, Dunkin’ unveiled a new breakfast menu this week that featured a sad half-strip of bacon on a cracker. “At only 30 calories and with over 1 gram of protein, Dunkin’s all-new Open-Faced Turkey Cracker Breakfast Sandwich is the perfect choice for anyone who wants to treat themselves, but freaks out when they read the nutrition facts for cream cheese,” said Dunkin’ spokesperson Clarisse James, who explained that the new offering could be customized by choosing a soda, water, or multigrain cracker for the base, and by subbing out the turkey bacon for a gray clump of egg. “When even egg and cheese on a bagel somehow has a whopping 460 calories, the Open-Faced Turkey Cracker Breakfast Sandwich is here. Is a cracker with a piece of meat on it technically a breakfast sandwich? No, but neither is whatever the fuck a ‘Wake-Up Wrap’ is. Stop in to Dunkin’ and settle for the new Turkey Cracker today.” James added that the menu item was also a great offering for customers too anxious to eat more than a bite or two.