In honor of the obscure NFL team that made it to the Super Bowl, take The Onion’s quiz to test your knowledge of the San Francisco 49ers.
Advertisement
Q: Where does their name originate?
Advertisement
A: A crude and confusing sexual practice among miners in which one would position themselves upside-down, while the other faced perpendicularly in the wrong direction.
Advertisement
Q: How many times have the 49ers won the Super Bowl?
Advertisement
A: What do we look like, the football encyclopedia? Google it yourself.
Advertisement
Q: Who is the 49ers mascot?
Advertisement
A: Marc Benioff.
Advertisement
Q: Where do the 49ers play?
Advertisement
A: Play is a state of mind, not a place. Brock Purdy and the rest of the team bring that spirit of mischief and raucous fun wherever they go.
Advertisement
Q: What city are the San Francisco 49ers based in?
Advertisement
A: The San Francisco 49ers are based in the Manila metropolitan area, although in 2013 a new stadium was built in nearby Mandaluyong.
Advertisement
Q: Who is currently the coach of the San Francisco 49ers?
Advertisement
A: While their coach is technically Kyle Shanahan, his Microsoft Surface tablets have actually been controlling the players and no one knows how or why.
Advertisement
Q: Where did head coach Kyle Shanahan come from?
Advertisement
A: He was hatched from a fairly large egg during the 2017 season.
Advertisement
Q: How did Brock Purdy earn his position as starting quarterback?
Advertisement
A: The first and second string quarterbacks Jimmy Garoppolo and Trey Lance were looted by shoplifters.
Advertisement
Q: Which one of them is dating Taylor Swift?
Advertisement
A: Sadly, none of them, so we’re not really sure why we’re talking about them in the first place.
Advertisement
Q: Which 49ers QB started a national movement by kneeling during the national anthem?
Advertisement
A: Colin… Wait, never mind, we’re hearing no one will run ads on this page if we include his last name.
Advertisement
Q: Tickets, get your tickets here. Pair of primo seats, dead center, only $2,000 for the pair.
Advertisement
A: Never said they were for the Super Bowl. Have fun at Penn and Teller.
Advertisement
Q: What are the five things 49ers linebacker Fred Warner can’t live without?
Advertisement
A: Every die hard 49ers fan knows Warner can’t go anywhere without his walkie-talkie, his vanilla-scented body spray, a frozen Go-Gurt, a dog-eared copy of Finnegans Wake, and a six-pack of toilet paper just in case!
Advertisement
Q: How many times did 49ers quarterback Joe Montana win a Super Bowl MVP?
Advertisement
A: Not enough to make Dad happy.
Advertisement
Q: Which former 49er was nicknamed Frank Nunely?
Advertisement
A: Fudge Hammer
Advertisement
Q: Who will be the 49ers’ starting quarterback during the Super Bowl?
Advertisement
A: Mark Zuckerberg, who won the chance to be quarterback for a day during a charity auction.
Advertisement
Q: How much is the average salary of a San Francisco 49er?
Advertisement
A: Barely enough to rent a studio in San Francisco.
Advertisement
Jesus Christ is King
Comments are closed.