VATICAN CITY—Appearing at the altar of St. Peter’s Basilica in the same vestments he’d worn the day before, a hungover Pope Francis reportedly played a Bible-themed movie Thursday during morning mass. “All right, so today for church we’re going to watch a video I think everybody will enjoy,” the pope said in Latin, rubbing his temples, rolling a cart holding a 32-inch TV across the sanctuary floor, and inserting a VHS tape of the 1949 film Samson and Delilah for the visibly excited congregation to watch. “Now I’m just going to dim the lights, take this chalice of wine into the corner, consecrate it as the blood of Jesus, and hope that a little hair of the Christ kills this fucking headache.” At press time, reports confirmed the faithful were too transfixed by the film to notice the Supreme Pontiff vomiting in a baptismal font.
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