SPANISH FORK, UT—Entering his skull with a notarized affidavit and seizing the vital organ, agents dispatched Thursday by PNC Bank repossessed the brain of local man Dylan Turner, who had reportedly defaulted on his student loans. “Sorry, pal, but that brain is coming with us,” repo man Kyle Mickos said as he put away his electric bone saw and hauled the gray matter to his truck, ignoring Turner’s pleas not to take the mind he had worked so hard for. “It’s nothing personal, but this cerebrum has come due and the bank is collecting. If you wanted to keep your cognitive functions, you shouldn’t have missed so many payments. Or maybe you should have settled for a cheaper education instead of getting a fancy one from out of state.” At press time, reports confirmed the drooling, comatose Turner’s brain was sold to the highest bidder in a public auction.
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