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Best Prop Bets For Super Bowl LVIII

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Why spend your hard-earned money on your family when you could piss it away on trivial bets totally unrelated to sports at all? Here are The Onion’s picks for the best prop bets for Super Bowl LVIII.

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Coin Never Touches Ground

Coin Never Touches Ground

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Long odds but heavy payout if coin in opening toss hovers above the field for eternity.

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Brock Purdy Studies German Flash Cards On Sideline

Brock Purdy Studies German Flash Cards On Sideline

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Massive payout if the 49ers quarterback uses his team’s defensive possessions to review German vocab for an adult ed course he’s taking.

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Football Gets Stuck On Neighbor’s Roof

Football Gets Stuck On Neighbor’s Roof

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Payout for any delay due to the game ball being wedge​d in the rain gutter of the house next to Allegiant Stadium.

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Football Shape OTHER

Football Shape OTHER

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While prolate spheroid has won this bet for 57 straight Super Bowls, the +500000000 odds are just too good to pass up.

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Usher Gets His Head Stuck While Trying To Take Off His Shirt

Usher Gets His Head Stuck While Trying To Take Off His Shirt

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Out of the hundreds of his performances available on YouTube, only three show the singer successfully removing his shirt without this happening.

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Fox News Over 8.5 Headlines About Commercial Referring To America As Nation Of Immigrants

Fox News Over 8.5 Headlines About Commercial Referring To America As Nation Of Immigrants

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Smart money on over, unless there’s a terrorist attack or something.

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Brock Purdy’s Mom Makes Him Come Inside For Dinner

Brock Purdy’s Mom Makes Him Come Inside For Dinner

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+750? Not bad.

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Andy Reid And Kyle Shanahan Will Freaky Friday

Andy Reid And Kyle Shanahan Will Freaky Friday

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Whether this affects the outcome of the game will depend on how long it takes them to develop empathy and understanding for each other, however different they may be.

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Usher Whistles Into Microphone For Entire Halftime Show

Usher Whistles Into Microphone For Entire Halftime Show

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Extra payout if he’s never whistled before and is trying it for the first time.

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The Breed Of Cartoon Bird Flying Around Sacked Quarterbacks Heads

The Breed Of Cartoon Bird Flying Around Sacked Quarterbacks Heads

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Cardinal? Bluebird? Place your bets on which breed of bird will be circling Purdy when he gets knocked out.

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Andy Reid Under 1.5 Italian Subs Consumed

Andy Reid Under 1.5 Italian Subs Consumed

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No matter how much the Chiefs coach loves a good meal, the man is also a professional during the game.

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Most Sensual End Zone Dance

Most Sensual End Zone Dance

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Odds are best for Ross Dwelley, who will leave crowds weeping at the sheer power of his sensual lambada, the forbidden dance.

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Streaker Remains On Field For 7 Hours

Streaker Remains On Field For 7 Hours

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This would be six hours and 58 minutes beyond the current record.

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Over On Shots Of Taylor Swift Unhinging Her Jaw To Fit A Whole Fried Chicken Down Her Gullet

Over On Shots Of Taylor Swift Unhinging Her Jaw To Fit A Whole Fried Chicken Down Her Gullet

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Vegas seems to have just set the line too low on this one.

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Teams Declare Truce Rather Than Play Overtime

Teams Declare Truce Rather Than Play Overtime

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There’s no shame in a 24-24 tie against opponents you’re now proud to call friends.

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Where It Will Take Place

Where It Will Take Place

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The popular money is on Las Vegas, but don’t count out Wichita just yet!

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Entire Kelce Family Goes Topless +500

Entire Kelce Family Goes Topless +500

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Donna Kelce has been holding back on this family tradition for way too long!

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You’ve Made It This Far…

You’ve Made It This Far…

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The Onion

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