LAWRENCE, KS—Unable to control herself while watching the R&B star perform during the Super Bowl LVIII halftime show, local mom Kathy Deacon got up from her couch and licked Usher’s abs on her TV screen, sources reported Sunday. “Oh yeah, come to Mama,” said the flushed, sweating woman, who after sticking her gaping mouth onto the flat-screen, proceeded to run her tongue up and down the pixelated image of Usher’s chiseled body and made loud, wet smacking sounds while her husband and children watched. “Mmm, yeah. That’s it. Zoom in. Zoom in. Now thrust! God, what a specimen of a man. That’s why they call him Mr. Entertainment.” At press time, Deacon reportedly screamed in horror and jumped back from the TV after the image on her screen switched to a close-up shot that only showed Usher’s much less attractive face.
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