Baffling Report Finds Vatican Also Tried To Cover Up Jared Fogle’s Sexual Abuse

VATICAN CITY—Concluding that high-ranking church officials had concealed evidence of the former Subway spokesman preying on young children, a baffling report released Monday found that the Vatican also tried to cover up Jared Fogle’s sexual abuse. “For reasons that remain unclear, there appears to have been a clear and deliberate attempt by the Catholic Church to hide Mr. Fogle’s rampant pedophilia, just as they would suppress the crime if it were committed by one of their own,” said investigator Luca Shapiro, explaining that there is reason to believe the convicted sex criminal would never have risen to become the face of Subway had the Vatican not spent years using its vast experience to systematically silence Fogel’s victims. “Once the church discovered Fogle’s sexual transgressions against minors, a team of bishops—without any apparent explanation—swept into action, ensuring he faced as few consequences as possible. After Fogel was arrested in 2015, the Vatican even tried to intervene in his plea deal with federal prosecutors, suggesting the sandwich pitchman simply be reassigned to a small rural Subway in a different part of the country.” The church has also reportedly spent millions on a plan to rehabilitate Fogle’s image upon his likely release from prison in 2029.