NORTHBROOK, IL—His eyes widening as he realized there was neither a roast nor tenderloin in sight, local husband Eric Mavis reportedly expressed concern Monday over the lack of meat in his family’s shopping cart. “Wait, what are we going to eat this week?” said Mavis, who frowned as he looked down at the contents of the cart that, with the exception of a 1-pound package of ground turkey, contained nothing but an abundance of fresh vegetables, fruit, dairy products, legumes, bread, eggs, nuts, and canned goods. “Something doesn’t look right. Is there a flank steak hiding somewhere at the bottom? Are we doing takeout all week or something? Why are there so many mushrooms in here? Hey, what’s going on?” At press time, reports confirmed Mavis had rushed back to meet his wife at the checkout lane with a salami under each arm.
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